SBTB 03.24 - Home for Christmas: Part 1

Our beginning starts with an ending - as in, the end of a scene in which the gang is leaving and freaking Slater nearly rolls an ankle.

I'm not sure if he stepped on something or if he bumped into Jesse. The only reason I saw this is because I was lamenting how tight his pants are. Yikes.

Speaking of "yikes," how about that boss?

Lew Horn

Mr. Moody is aptly named, as he is a moody little man. He is played by Lew Horn. Sure, Lew Horn has some solid credits behind his name, but he also has some strangely sexual ones as well. For instance: "Date Rape: No Means No," a TV movie. Also, a sketch movie called "If You Don't Stop It... You'll Go Blind." Also, another TV movie called "Cry Rape." I guess you take the roles you are given. Especially when one of the roles is in SBTB: The New Class. That's right, Mr. Horn reprises his role in the red-headed step-child show a few years down the line.

Now, Lew Horn isn't the only guest star in this episode, but since this story is a two-parter, and since no other guest star appears in the next episode, I'll save the Bentons for the next blog. For now, would someone please tell the kid in the background to stop staring at Screech's tragic hair?

Sadly, this isn't the only inappropriate extra staring at Screech.

Just by his face alone, it seems like he's thinking: Oooh, yeah Screech. You get yours. Just lean on over and oooh. Dat's nice. He can think those creepy thoughts; we know what ours are: Shut up, Dustin Diamond!

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.22 - Rockumentary

Honestly, where do you start with an episode like this?

Do we make fun of fashion?

Really, Kelly? Flower pants?

Do we point out the crude Michael Jackson and Madonna rip-offs?

Sadly, the King of Pop has never looked more rapey.

Do we put on our big kid pants and realize the grammar is all wrong on the CD title?

Why is "A" capitalized but "we," "ever," and "have" ignored?

Do we point out that the newspapers all have their headlines taped on?

You can see where the paper covers pre-exisiting print. Also, the paper color is noticeably different.

Do we point out that one of the headlines was mistyped?

Was Borat on the staff that day?

Do we assume that Ryan Gosling went back in time to attend a Zack Attack concert?

I think he was a Mouseketeer at this time.

Seriously, so much stuff was packed into this one episode. And this is all beside the plot!

So let's get into some of the guest stars. We'll start with Casey Kesem.

Casey Kasem

You may recall him from the very first SBTB episode "Dancing to the Max." Mr. Kasem is a legend. He is probably best known for hosting the "American Top 40" radio show. In fact, he is a member of the National Radio Hall of Fame. He was also a producer and voice actor. I've switched to the past tense here, as Mr. Kasem recently passed away. But his unique voice will always be remembered.

Not a legend: Brian Fate.

Nick Brooks

Brian Fate, the across-the-pond music producer that just happened to be running by the Zack Attack practice space, is played by Nick Brooks. His resume is sparse, to say the least. The thing you would recognize is a stint on "Quantum Leap," though I guess he should get some credit for his role as Paratrooper Joe from "Saving Private Ryan." (I haven't seen the movie, but I'm pretty sure it's not a major character, as I can't see Tom Hanks shouting for Paratrooper Joe to join him behind enemy lines.)

His music-producing counterpart is just as bland:

Stacie Foster

Stacie Foster plays Mindy Wallace. (Doesn't it sound like Mindy Wallatzer in the show?) She had very small roles in some things, like being a doll mom zombie in "Night of the Living Dead," and better roles in the baby brothers of bigger shows. (What does that mean? She had a role in "Baywatch Nights."Not "Baywatch," but it's gimpy little brother. Also, "Saved by the Bell: The College Years" - not as Mindy.)

Now, I know I am forgetting something...

Right. Shut up, Dustin Diamond! You marry a cheerleader. This doesn't count for this segment, you say? Linking arms isn't enough, you say? How about girls ripping off his clothes, then?

Yeah. That totally counts.

And now I've got to find some way to get "Friends Forever" out of my head.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.19 - Palm Springs Weekend, Part 2

Oh, Princess Christina. What a dumb, filler story.

Eva Loseth

Christina is played by Eva Loseth, a girl with a few credits to her name. She had a two-episode stint on "Doogie Houser, M.D." and a role in "Deep Space Nine," along with a few others. She also expanded her Hollywood repertoire and co-produced a little film called "Art House." It now appears that she is a realtor back in her home of Illinois.

Let's take a quick peak at some background action:

Notice Captain Odd Shorts/Captain Weird Hair/Captain Woefully 90s Shirt? He isn't really moving on that treadmill, just treading steps, if you will. That lovely gal next to him seems to be helping him get his machine going. When she leaves -

- he seems to keep standing there while leaning on the machine and simply bending his legs. No wonder she left, Captain No-Pain-No-Gain! She was appalled at everything about you, including your workout ethic.

Lastly, how about a mild Shut Up, Dustin Diamond?

Yup, this is way more from Kelly Kapowski than I ever got. So mildly shut up, Dustin Diamond.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.15 - Date Auction

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy. I am so sorry that Zack was a turd and that you still ended up accepting that he had changed by the last chance/dance of the night. Sweet, sweet Wendy.

Judy Carmen

This girl Wendy Parks, who thought she would have a great time with Zack since he always made her laugh, is played by Judy Carmen. Ms. Carmen does little else with Hollywood. She has one role on "Married...With Children" and gets shot in the head in the movie "Cyber Bandits." Who knows what she is doing with her life now. Hopefully something fulfilling.

Just real quick, let's talk about those new cheerleader uniforms. The school needs $600? Where have we heard that figure before, besides the very last episode? As you'll recall, Slater and Zack needed $600 to fix Mr. Belding's car and they very quickly raised the money by doing a raffle. In this episode, the school suddenly needs another $600 and a quick way to earn it. Raffle, anyone? Nope. Let's pimp out the boys of Bayside.

What is the beef here? Well, the old uniforms certainly needed to be updated.

And the new uniforms look great.

But I'm sure the reveal would have been more effective had we not already seen the new uniforms in the episode "Check Your Mate."

But why gripe? I mean, this is pretty par for the course. We've seen Season 1 episodes air in Season 2, and Season 3 has been a nightmare with school episodes intermixed with summer episodes. Clearly "Date Auction" should have aired before "Check Your Mate," but the producers probably didn't want the current episode to air so closely to Zack and Kelly's "big" break up. So, we are stuck with an odd continuity error.

Speaking of errors, how about that tool Brian Watkins?

Patrick J. Dancy

Seriously, what a tool! Brian is played admirably by Patrick J. Dancy. How do I know the role is admirably played? Because I've seen his other job. Just prior to this appearance, Ol' Patrick was a part of another NBC show that aired on Saturdays. You may have heard of it: "Guys Next Door." What? You are like me and have never heard of this show? Well, here's a video:

This is the intro to the show, which consisted of skits and videos, much like this one:

As you can see, Patrick has played a prancing boy band member. This is how I know that he acted admirably in our SBTB episode. Sure, he had other acting credits, but really, what is going to compare to "Guys Next Door?" Nothing. We move on.

Gah! Troll! I guess we'll take solace in the fact that this isn't another sighting in the Max. We move on.

What!?! Hey! You shut up, Dustin Diamond! We can't move on. This episode just had too much stuff going on.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.13 - The Wicked Stepbrother, Part 1

Say hello to the fastest trolling ever in SBTB history:

She didn't even wait to make us look for her. Opening credits - Molly the Troll. Well, now that that's out of the way I guess we can proceed.

Have you seen this guy before?

Joshua Hoffman

I ask because I swear that I've seen him before. This is Joshua Hoffman and he plays the terrible Eric Tramer. I have scoured the interwebs for any information on him outside of his scant early-90s appearances but I cannot find anything that would make me go: "Bingo! That's how I know him!" Nothing. I'm beginning to think that I only know Joshua Hoffman from this story in this one show. Maybe. But doesn't he seem like an underbitten, sleazy Mark Ruffalo?

Totally, if underbitten and sleazy.

The other guest star in this episode is Bernie Hiller who plays teacher Mr. Sachs.

Bernie Hiller

This guy is another in-and-out of Hollywood jobber and I am not going to go into detail about how dull his career has been. I will note, however, that he seems to be a legitimate Jewish man, as he has taught Yiddish to actors on sets of movies. Cool.

Speaking of the Jews, how exploitative is Zack in this episode? He uses a sacred Jewish holiday to skip school and selfishly attend a baseball game. He also hawks a special symbol of that noble people and uses it as a joke, substituting the Menorah for the "idea lightbulb."

For being a minority - remember, Zack is part Native American - he sure is insensitive.

Finally: Hey Dustin Diamond! Shut up!

Look at Screech playing it off like it ain't no thang. It should totally be a thang.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.12 - The Last Weekend

I'm going to start out with our Shut Up, Dustin Diamond feature this time around because it is not the typical type. Normally I like to highlight when Screech gets some preferential onscreen treatment from the ladies. So, while this looks like it fits the mold -

- it isn't why the feature is showing up. No no no, the reason Dustin Diamond needs to shut up is because he has kissed, been kissed, or rubbed up on so many good looking ladies by this point in the series that what happens to Slater is downright unjust.

For all the hate Screech feels like he gets from his SBTB cohorts, he definitely schmoozed more quality ladies than the rest of the cast. So hey! Shut up, Dustin Diamond.

I'm not sure about everyone else, but I was enjoying the Malibu Sands episodes. The previous five were a nice, fresh take on the crew and their relationships (which actually seemed to hardly exist). That all changed within the first few minutes of this episode. I don't know why, but the magic of this location is dead to me. I'm glad this little arc is over.

Maybe it is the gimmicks. Gimmicks like - "Oh, the Carosis are mad at each other and we'll trick them into showing up for a picture and then making really lame excuses to leave the stage so that it's just the two of them left so they make up."

Gimmicks like - "We made a sand castle, just try not to notice it bouncing around behind Screech because it is absolutely fake."

And if the perfect form of the castle didn't alert to its fakeness, maybe the lowered door made out of magic sand proved it.

Alright, enough belittling the episode. Let's move on.

Guests last. It seems that while I didn't like this episode it still packed in some star power. First off, Jordan Christopher Michael.

Jordan Christopher Michael - Welcome to puberty!

Do you know this kid? This is Billy. He hits on chicks and gets them to touch his knee. He is eleven. He also had a role on "Full House." (Remember Rusty? That precocious little prankster and Stephanie-kisser?) Hollywood was done with him at an early age. No worries, he now does freelance photography around L.A. and his stuff looks really cool. You can check out his Instagram handle @someonesleeping. Very worthwhile.

The other star showing up for the Malibu Sands finale:

Denise Richards

This is Denise Richards, who has the looks to be asked to stage the worst drowning ever. She did it marvelously as the character Cynthia, who is supposedly going to attend Bayside. That never happens. (Maybe this Hollywood slight is the reason she made the 'best' decision of her life and marry Charlie Sheen...) There isn't much to know about Denise Richards outside of "Wild Things" (guys will know what that means), "Undercover Brother" (white guys who think they understand black culture enough to laugh at a movie about why white guys should not laugh at black culture will know what this means), and "Seinfeld," where her cleavage prevents Jerry and George's show to get picked up by NBC.

All that paragraph and Denise Richards wasn't even credited. Nice.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

Edit: Here are some further, lesser-known Denise Richards appearances.

1) In 1991, Denise appeared in a "Doogie Houser, M.D." episode called "Doogstruck." She plays a terrible date named Alissa who hits on the waiter instead of Doogie.

Denise Richards - Doogie Houser, M.D.

(This episode also has another SBTB alum as another bad date in Suzanne Tara. Her write-up is here.)

SBTB 03.07 - Check Your Mate

So, guess where this brilliant idea originated...

That's right, Lisa and Kelly were inappropriately used cheerleaders before Will Ferrel and Cheri Oteri began their Spartan Spirits routine. Granted, the SNL version was far funnier with better cheers, but the SBTB girls had midriffs. So... no contest.

This episode focussed on chess. Too much so, in that it forgot that guys like me would be too focussed on other aspects, like this little continuity conundrum:

As we look down upon the chess match we see that pieces have been won by both Screech and Peter the Russian. Screech has four and the Peter has three.

As Screech wins, there are no more pieces to the side. I don't know where they could have gone. Maybe the producers know.

Something else the producers may know is how the nerds of Bayside are so prepared. Peter Breschnev asks for his pants. Zack looks down and sees that he is still wearing Peter's pants. "No problem," we pretend an off-camera nerd says.

"Here are some pants." Problem solved! Peter wears the mystery pants and then loses.

Speaking of Peter Breschnev, the actor isn't credited for the episode. So, while I don't technically have to give any information about him, I will say that he pops up as Travis in "Saved by the Bell: The New Class" in the "Wanna Bet?" episode. Maybe he'll get covered there...

Who does get the credit? Why, that would be Miss Hilary Hayes, the actress who plays Allison Fox.

Hilary Hayes

Why is she standing like that? Well, for all the charm she brought to the show, the only other notable acting she got was as Ruby in "Star Trek: First Contact." Other than that, she is a complete Hollywood wash.

Now, I have some of my favorite segments. This next one is not one of them. I hate character breaks, but Season Three seems to be rife with them. And is it any wonder that they usually involve Screech?

Screech, you just got hit with a lady's bathroom door. Stop stifling that smile and act like you just got hit by a lady's bathroom door.

Also:

Screech turns away from the camera just as he breaks into a big grin. Zack, however, can't turn away from the camera to hide his goofy grin because his character is supposed to avoid Mr. Belding. What we get is an awkward face, like Zack has just conquered a bout of explosive diarrhea, but a little bit still slipped out.

And now (hooray!) we move on to one of my favorite segments: Shut up, Dustin Diamond!

This, of course, is before Tori Spelling looked like this:

(Uh, what are those boobs doing?)

Back to Screech, don't tell me he was disappointed at this much-better-than-Tori-Spelling view:

So let's all say it together: Dustin Diamond - Shut up.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.