SBTB 03.17 - S.A.T.s

James is back! As before, he plays his character with aplomb. Gusto. Vigor. Yes, Mark Blankfield, you certainly did well. But, I have highlighted you before so I won't do it again. (Though you will show up in this post later.)

Besides James, we had a Mrs. Helen Billingham as a guest on the show.

Susan Osborne

Susan Osborne plays this austere woman, and it is the only role she seems to have ever landed. She did, however, produce some documentaries from inside different factions: the State Department (movie), the Detroit Gang Squad (TV), and polygamy in Bountiful, Utah (TV). Hooray, lady.

But what is she looking at so intently? It must be S.A.T.s, since that is what this episode was about. Check out Kelly's bubble sheet.

The picture is grainy, but you can see by my superimposed graphic that Kelly had only filled in three answers. This makes sense, as her character admits as much. Take note of the page, though. You see all that space up top for personal information? Now check out Lisa's answer sheet from this exact moment in the test:

Uh, that's the back of the sheet. And Lisa already has an entire row filled in. We have a few options here: 1) Lisa is a genius, 2) Lisa is guessing so she can go shopping sooner, 3) Kelly is a dumb, dumb brick. I refuse to believe that sweet Kelly Kapowski could be dumb as a brick, so the answer must be one of the first two options...

Let's turn our attention to hot ladies.

What? Molly the Troll, I didn't mean you!

Christine Taylor

That's better. This is Christine Taylor, the gal who plays Heather Brooks. (I'm bummed that no other still could do her justice.) Do I even need to explain who she is? Alright. She has been in "Dodgeball," "Arrested Development," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," and "Seinfeld." She is married to Ben Stiller, which gets a big demerit in my book. Regardless, she is nice to look at.

Let's get back to James. The scene with him in Mr. Belding's office is a huge curiosity. His beard is clearly falling off; why didn't they just redo the scene?

As you can see from the yellow line, his beard was super loose. So much so, that it falls off in front of Zack. This causes Zack to break character.

And Zack breaks hard. He goes from a super serious student to an obviously tickled student, which would have been incredibly out of character in the moment. So why not reshoot the scene? Well, the producers must have looked at this and deemed it far too funny to cut. Despite Zack's breaking, it actually adds to the absurdity of James's beard. I agree with the inclusion, even if it "taints" the "pristine image" of SBTB.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.16 - All in the Mall

Two episodes ago we were missing Kelly. This time we "missed" Jesse. Did we though? The cast certainly didn't. They don't even mention purchasing a U2 ticket for her.

The episode is pretty light on content, but I'll give you what I can.

It technically shouldn't count, but it has been so long since I have seen a boom in a shot that I had to include this one, even though it is absolutely supposed to be in the shot. So, boom? Sure.

Now let's look at some character breaks and call it a day.

Once again, Screech is the one breaking. The window was literally just shut in his face, yet he can't help hamming it up before getting a look of shock on his face.

Next:

This one is almost understandable. The group has just engaged in a pretty comical fight - but it was still a fight! Slater and Lisa make eye contact and then have to make that stupid teeth-in-chin face to pull themselves together. At least Screech could keep a straight face.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

Edit: I just found something else out concerning this episode. Remember the sports store salesman? Remember how terrible his acting was when he recognized that it was time to close? Well, it seems as if this actor - Tony Sabin Prince - got into doing puppeteering. He was Fran Dinosaur.

Not the momma! Yes, Mr. Prince played the momma.

SBTB 03.07 - Check Your Mate

So, guess where this brilliant idea originated...

That's right, Lisa and Kelly were inappropriately used cheerleaders before Will Ferrel and Cheri Oteri began their Spartan Spirits routine. Granted, the SNL version was far funnier with better cheers, but the SBTB girls had midriffs. So... no contest.

This episode focussed on chess. Too much so, in that it forgot that guys like me would be too focussed on other aspects, like this little continuity conundrum:

As we look down upon the chess match we see that pieces have been won by both Screech and Peter the Russian. Screech has four and the Peter has three.

As Screech wins, there are no more pieces to the side. I don't know where they could have gone. Maybe the producers know.

Something else the producers may know is how the nerds of Bayside are so prepared. Peter Breschnev asks for his pants. Zack looks down and sees that he is still wearing Peter's pants. "No problem," we pretend an off-camera nerd says.

"Here are some pants." Problem solved! Peter wears the mystery pants and then loses.

Speaking of Peter Breschnev, the actor isn't credited for the episode. So, while I don't technically have to give any information about him, I will say that he pops up as Travis in "Saved by the Bell: The New Class" in the "Wanna Bet?" episode. Maybe he'll get covered there...

Who does get the credit? Why, that would be Miss Hilary Hayes, the actress who plays Allison Fox.

Hilary Hayes

Why is she standing like that? Well, for all the charm she brought to the show, the only other notable acting she got was as Ruby in "Star Trek: First Contact." Other than that, she is a complete Hollywood wash.

Now, I have some of my favorite segments. This next one is not one of them. I hate character breaks, but Season Three seems to be rife with them. And is it any wonder that they usually involve Screech?

Screech, you just got hit with a lady's bathroom door. Stop stifling that smile and act like you just got hit by a lady's bathroom door.

Also:

Screech turns away from the camera just as he breaks into a big grin. Zack, however, can't turn away from the camera to hide his goofy grin because his character is supposed to avoid Mr. Belding. What we get is an awkward face, like Zack has just conquered a bout of explosive diarrhea, but a little bit still slipped out.

And now (hooray!) we move on to one of my favorite segments: Shut up, Dustin Diamond!

This, of course, is before Tori Spelling looked like this:

(Uh, what are those boobs doing?)

Back to Screech, don't tell me he was disappointed at this much-better-than-Tori-Spelling view:

So let's all say it together: Dustin Diamond - Shut up.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.05 - The Surgery (Operation Zack)

Let's turn our attention to this pivotal scene:

This was obviously a terrible blow to the Bayside Tigers basketball team. Zack tears some cartilage in his knee and needs surgery. Mr. Belding causes this mishap. Chaos reigns. But there is more to this scene than just this horrible accident. Do you recall Slater holding a basketball? Of course you do; you watch the show and soak in every detail. So then you will recall that he tosses the ball to the side before heading out for layup drills. (An odd decision, as the team needs a ball to do the drill.) Despite the importance of this scene, the extra on the far left of the frame decides to go after that loose ball. I don't know if he thought it would add to the scene by recovering the ball or if he just wanted something to do since he wasn't getting paid a ton for this non-speaking part. Knowing of the import of the scene, however, he should have ignored that ball to be more readily at his captain's side when the knee gave out. For shame, Extra. For shame.

More shame? How about Zack being unable to keep a straight face while Screech dangles a frog leg in his face?

Don't you smile, Zack! You are in incredible pain.

And who will help him fight this pain? Why, Dr. Turtle, of course.

Susan Beaubian

Lisa's mom, a.k.a. the best surgeon in L.A., is played by Susan Beaubian. Not only does she do a great job on Zack's knee, but she dispenses motherly advice to her daughter like a true champion. The only thing I want to say about Ms. Beaubian is that of her 28 acting credits on IMDB, 11 are medically related. She plays doctors and nurses 39% of the time. Saved by the Bell was her first.

And now for the most inappropriately hilarious moment of the show:

A woman grabs fake-doctor Zack and proclaims: "Heal me with your kisses!" After which he is dragged into a room and made out upon. This was terrible and funny all rolled into one.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 02.16. - From Nurse to Worse

Honestly, was any teacher better than Miss Simpson? I think not. Her character was the best.

How about we look to another legend in the Saved by the Bell universe: Nurse Jennifer.

Nancy Valen

Whhaaaaat? This is how you know SBTB wasn't real. I never, never, ever had a nurse look like that. Nor dress like that (which is probably a good thing, considering the nurses I did have). Nancy Valen plays the new school nurse (that we never see again - for shame!) with a middling face but a great wardrobe. Sure, Zack was a total tool in causing friction with Kelly, but come on!

This, er, talent/trait led Nancy to other roles, like a "Baywatch" lifeguard. And a role in "Porky's 3." And the occasional token hot girl in shows like "Friends," "Charles in Charge," and "Spin City." What has she done otherwise? How about many, many infomercials. Seriously, I found her website (nancyvalen.com) and many of her self-picked credits are from infomercials (including one for aroma therapy to stop binge eating) in which she is introduced as a television and film star. Sad. Then again --

-- she can always be Nurse Jennifer.

The other nurse? Well, Nurse Butcher isn't credited, but she should have been.

Justine Lenore

This is far more akin to the school nurses I had. Justine Lenore plays the very appropriately named Nurse Butcher. You won't have seen her anywhere else unless you like opera or the movie "Hamburger: the Movie." And it's a banner day because this nurse also has a website. Check it out (at thenoahfamily.com/justine/) and see how her page compares to Nancy Valen's. Make sure you scroll down to see the languages she is proficient in. I'll tip my hat to that, as well as very honest head shots.

What's worse than school nurses?

Troll sightings!

And here is another case in which our main players break character:

Screech breaks; Kelly breaks; Kelly then does her best to play it off. Why did they use this take? Sadly, it was probably the best one.

And, in case you are kicking yourself for not being able to read the example poem on the board in Miss Simpson's class:
"Clouds can be small
Clouds can be tall
Some clouds are fast
Some clouds are dead last
Some clouds look like a face
Some clouds are in a race
But when I look at a cloud
It really makes me proud."

Yup, high school poetry at its finest.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 02.14 - The Babysitters

Videos are better. See this blog on YouTube, for free!

Let's get the guest stars out of the way first. Madame Oeuf (which, oddly, translated to "egg") is played by the fun-yet-very-lunch-lady-looking Mary Pat Gleason.

Mary Pat Gleason

She has made the rounds and you will have no doubt seen her somewhere, as she has been everywhere. Think with Hilary Duff in "A Cinderella Story" or with Scarlett Johansson in "The Island" or with Adam Sandler in "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" or with Jennifer Garner in "13 Going on 30." She has graced television with the likes of "Chuck," "Desperate Housewives," "Getting By," and "1600 Penn." You have to have seen her somewhere. Somewhere.

And on the topic of our French teacher: I could not help but laugh when the she says that crying like a baby is not a French sound. My Amuricah-iz-th-best upbringing has taught me that all the French do is cry. This is only sort of ironic.

Our Home Ec teacher Mrs. Hatcher is played by another one of these acting everywhere ladies:

Patrika Darbo

This is Patrika Darbo. Yes, you have seen her around. Her most notable appearances come from a rather lengthy stint with "Days of Our Lives." I won't list her other things because she has some other curiosities to steal our attention. First, she was voted as one of TV Guide's Sexiest in 1999 for her sultry depictions on her soap. Next, she has penned a book about being a plus-sized actress in Hollywood called "365 Glorious Nights of Love and Romance." She talks about her struggles growing up and then talks about feeling sexy with who you are. Sounds nice. I haven't read it. Moving on.

Now, one thing I couldn't help but notice was that Ed Alonzo (curses) was in this episode and the quality of the production was incredibly grainy. So, we dealt with another first season holdover. I think the thing that stood out the most from this little chronal anomaly was how easily the kids broke character in two parts.

While searching for the baby, Screech just busts into this huge, goofy grin. Do you see Lisa's face, Mr. Powers? This is serious business - looking for babies in lockers.

Next:

Remember this? Where Zack and Jesse both start chuckling for no apparent reason? My going theory is that Zack's arm gets stuck - which is plain to see he is struggling - on Jesse's boob and they both get nervous and break character. It is awkward.


Now, speaking of this baby: Who in the world let their kid pass between six teenagers in one scene? And let Slater yell in their baby's face. And not only that, but we get a peak at the kid's undercarriage. Twice.

What an odd, odd choice in using this kid. Another odd choice: Not giving the kid a credit. Instead, the credit - and voice, mind you - goes to Tom Williams. Mr. Williams is a man with more baby voice-over credits than I thought ever possible. It seems like it's all he does. (It's not. He does other voice-over work, too. Like a dog. He is seriously the barking dog Farfle on "Seinfeld.")

One last curiosity: Slater says a river should be named after Mr. Belding. None actually exist, but a river does run through Belding, MI. Close enough?

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.