SBTB 03.24 - Home for Christmas: Part 2

I don't know about you, but I am offended - offended! - at the performance of "A Christmas Carol." That was the worst fake product placement I have ever seen. The story made absolutely no sense with it! Scrooge lauds Moody's store, and then doesn't know where his own dapper duds come from? And Slater's accent was atrocious. And was Mr. Moody really happy that his store was called the perfect place to shop for misers? It all just made little sense.

And here. Lisa kisses Screech in the last episode. Now she's undressing him. What is going on in this show?

We have to move on to the guest stars, because I could just harp on this episode for days.

Stephen Mendel

This must have been quite the catch for SBTB. Stephen Mendel plays Frank, the down-on-his-luck father who has no home. He had a lengthy role on "Night Heat" in which he played Lieutenant Freddie Carson. He brought some experience to this young cast. And then this episode happened and he floundered. His longest gig after this was as the voice of Splinter in one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons.

His daughter seems to have faired better.

Jennifer McComb

Laura is played by Jennifer McComb. Jennifer is the sister of Heather McComb and the two worked on the TV series "The Outsiders." The sisters also acted in different episodes of "Cracker: Mind Over Murder." Why do I mention these curiosities? Well, these are about the only things that make her stand out. She was a model in "Zoolander." She had parts in other movies, but nothing really giving her staying power.

Bummer. That's how this ends. Meh.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.24 - Home for Christmas: Part 1

Our beginning starts with an ending - as in, the end of a scene in which the gang is leaving and freaking Slater nearly rolls an ankle.

I'm not sure if he stepped on something or if he bumped into Jesse. The only reason I saw this is because I was lamenting how tight his pants are. Yikes.

Speaking of "yikes," how about that boss?

Lew Horn

Mr. Moody is aptly named, as he is a moody little man. He is played by Lew Horn. Sure, Lew Horn has some solid credits behind his name, but he also has some strangely sexual ones as well. For instance: "Date Rape: No Means No," a TV movie. Also, a sketch movie called "If You Don't Stop It... You'll Go Blind." Also, another TV movie called "Cry Rape." I guess you take the roles you are given. Especially when one of the roles is in SBTB: The New Class. That's right, Mr. Horn reprises his role in the red-headed step-child show a few years down the line.

Now, Lew Horn isn't the only guest star in this episode, but since this story is a two-parter, and since no other guest star appears in the next episode, I'll save the Bentons for the next blog. For now, would someone please tell the kid in the background to stop staring at Screech's tragic hair?

Sadly, this isn't the only inappropriate extra staring at Screech.

Just by his face alone, it seems like he's thinking: Oooh, yeah Screech. You get yours. Just lean on over and oooh. Dat's nice. He can think those creepy thoughts; we know what ours are: Shut up, Dustin Diamond!

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.23 - Cut Day

Styrofoam is bad. Ardent Jesse and Pathetic Graham tell you so in this very episode. Great. But did anybody get a Moleman vibe from the delivery guy?

Poor Moleman.

And Pathetic Graham:

David Kriegel

This poor sap is played by David Kriegel. I didn't know a male-Jesse could be so lame. Mr. Kriegel seemed to be destined for greatness in his early career. In the early 90s he had roles in "21 Jump Street," "Quantum Leap," "Growing Pains," and "90210." Movies included "Speed" and "Leaving Las Vegas." But, alas, roles became a bit more scarce. In 2006 he tried to jump over to the other side of the camera by producing and directing an episode of "VIP Passport." This stint lasted one episode. He now owns a dance studio with his wife called Creation Station.

But let's focus more on Graham. Graham was a dolt and a magician all at once.

Dolt:

Hey Dolt! Zack is taking your red paint and you are doing nothing!

Magician:

Wait, you were still able to put red on your signs? You freaking magician!

Graham isn't the only magician in this episode. Notice Zack staring at his obviously empty hands.

Then:

Blam! I have no clue where he was hiding that can of paint. I could hazard a guess, but this is a kiddy show and that sort of sordidness is not allowed.

Wait, is that a butt? What did I just say!?! This is a kiddy show! Why is a butt in this shot? Yes, there is a swimsuit on that actress, but it is clearly covering very little. I recall this being another instance of my mom walking into the room at this very wrong moment and declaring that "Saved by the Bell" is of the devil for glorifying immodesty.

Lastly, how blind is Mrs. Cunningham? Well, she thinks Nigeria is in North America. Worse: She looks closer at the map and realizes she is in North America but thinks she is pointing at Las Vegas, Nevada.

Sorry, sweetheart. Las Vegas is a bit more north. You are pointing at Yuma, Arizona.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.22 - Rockumentary

Honestly, where do you start with an episode like this?

Do we make fun of fashion?

Really, Kelly? Flower pants?

Do we point out the crude Michael Jackson and Madonna rip-offs?

Sadly, the King of Pop has never looked more rapey.

Do we put on our big kid pants and realize the grammar is all wrong on the CD title?

Why is "A" capitalized but "we," "ever," and "have" ignored?

Do we point out that the newspapers all have their headlines taped on?

You can see where the paper covers pre-exisiting print. Also, the paper color is noticeably different.

Do we point out that one of the headlines was mistyped?

Was Borat on the staff that day?

Do we assume that Ryan Gosling went back in time to attend a Zack Attack concert?

I think he was a Mouseketeer at this time.

Seriously, so much stuff was packed into this one episode. And this is all beside the plot!

So let's get into some of the guest stars. We'll start with Casey Kesem.

Casey Kasem

You may recall him from the very first SBTB episode "Dancing to the Max." Mr. Kasem is a legend. He is probably best known for hosting the "American Top 40" radio show. In fact, he is a member of the National Radio Hall of Fame. He was also a producer and voice actor. I've switched to the past tense here, as Mr. Kasem recently passed away. But his unique voice will always be remembered.

Not a legend: Brian Fate.

Nick Brooks

Brian Fate, the across-the-pond music producer that just happened to be running by the Zack Attack practice space, is played by Nick Brooks. His resume is sparse, to say the least. The thing you would recognize is a stint on "Quantum Leap," though I guess he should get some credit for his role as Paratrooper Joe from "Saving Private Ryan." (I haven't seen the movie, but I'm pretty sure it's not a major character, as I can't see Tom Hanks shouting for Paratrooper Joe to join him behind enemy lines.)

His music-producing counterpart is just as bland:

Stacie Foster

Stacie Foster plays Mindy Wallace. (Doesn't it sound like Mindy Wallatzer in the show?) She had very small roles in some things, like being a doll mom zombie in "Night of the Living Dead," and better roles in the baby brothers of bigger shows. (What does that mean? She had a role in "Baywatch Nights."Not "Baywatch," but it's gimpy little brother. Also, "Saved by the Bell: The College Years" - not as Mindy.)

Now, I know I am forgetting something...

Right. Shut up, Dustin Diamond! You marry a cheerleader. This doesn't count for this segment, you say? Linking arms isn't enough, you say? How about girls ripping off his clothes, then?

Yeah. That totally counts.

And now I've got to find some way to get "Friends Forever" out of my head.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.21 - No Hope with Dope

So, remember when we covered Guys Next Door from the "Date Auction" episode? Well, it seems that another member of that group infiltrated SBTB. Nope, it wasn't Ox.

Eddie Garcia

Johnny Dakota is played by Eddie Garcia, one of the members of Guys Next Door. Both shows ran on NBC; I guess we shouldn't be surprised to see some crossover. He makes other appearances on screen, but I am more interested in the roles he has filled: "Miracles Dancer," "Dancer," "Mexican Dancer," "Hot Traxx Dancer," "Hip Hopper," and "Lotus Land Dancer." It should be pretty clear that he is a dancer. Even better, he is a choreographer, which means he tells people how to dance.

Hopefully Eddie Garcia didn't choreograph the dancing in the final video or else I would think way, way less of him. What dancing, you ask? Well:

Notice here how Zack and Co. are out of the shot with the NBC executive and then they all mosey in after his speech. This is supposedly the take they like.

Then:

The final program shows Zack already in the frame as the NBC executive waltzes in, and then the rest of the cast shuffles in after his speech. Shoddy continuity work, fellows. Shoddy.

But who is this NBC executive? Would you believe that this is the tried-and-true CEO of NBC at the time, Brandon Tartikoff?

Of course you would. It is. This man helmed NBC during its heyday, when NBC released long-running, memorable shows. Examples: "The A-Team," "Knightrider," "Cheers," "The Cosby Show," "ALF," and many, many others. And, because it deserves to be in a class on its own, he also was around for "Seinfeld." We owe this man so much! Sadly, Mr. Tartikoff would die at 48 from cancer, but we can remember him for being a great television business man who okayed our SBTB.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.20 - Hold Me Tight

We talked about the serious Screech High Five Fail over here, but what about this one? Jessie is calling out some of the school's leaders and a dude on the stairs wants to celebrate with a high five.

Danger, dude! Danger! That target hand is totally flaccid! It doesn't look as if your friend expects a high five at all. Sure enough, what proceeds is terribly awkward.

There is an uncomfortable shuffling of hands that results in the two basically just intertwining their arms on the other guy's knee. The dude's facepalm is very appropriate, as this was probably his onscreen big break and he ruined it. In this dude's honor, let's get the Troll out of the way:

There she is atop the bleachers uniting alongside the "nerds." Nerds? Well, that chubby girl with glasses is behind the coach, but everyone else on those bleachers seem normal, including Slater (behind Kelly). Just who exactly is the nerd girl uniting with? Nobody! Molly the Troll gets a pass.

So who is this girl the "nerds" (read: entire population of Bayside?) is uniting for? Ms. Kristy Barnes, played by Krystee Clark.

Krystee Clark

Krystee had the regular on and off again relationship with Hollywood. She appeared in most of the good 90s shows: "Step by Step," "The Wonder Years," and "Roseanne." She also pulled my favorite stunt of appearing multiple times in a show but as different characters in one of my all-time favorite shows "Boy Meets World." Lately? Krystee ran for government in Hollywood. Her goal was to bring back the Hollywood dream. She lost. But she'll always be a winner to me, because she boasts on her LinkedIn page that she was Trish Putterman in the old Duracell commercials.

Good for you - wearing a mask and all.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.19 - Palm Springs Weekend, Part 2

Oh, Princess Christina. What a dumb, filler story.

Eva Loseth

Christina is played by Eva Loseth, a girl with a few credits to her name. She had a two-episode stint on "Doogie Houser, M.D." and a role in "Deep Space Nine," along with a few others. She also expanded her Hollywood repertoire and co-produced a little film called "Art House." It now appears that she is a realtor back in her home of Illinois.

Let's take a quick peak at some background action:

Notice Captain Odd Shorts/Captain Weird Hair/Captain Woefully 90s Shirt? He isn't really moving on that treadmill, just treading steps, if you will. That lovely gal next to him seems to be helping him get his machine going. When she leaves -

- he seems to keep standing there while leaning on the machine and simply bending his legs. No wonder she left, Captain No-Pain-No-Gain! She was appalled at everything about you, including your workout ethic.

Lastly, how about a mild Shut Up, Dustin Diamond?

Yup, this is way more from Kelly Kapowski than I ever got. So mildly shut up, Dustin Diamond.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.18 - Palm Springs Weekend, Part 1

I will just say this once: How much did Marriott pay SBTB to run a two-episode commercial for its hotel? Blergh.

With this being a two-parter, we'll tackle some things here and some things in the next blog.

First things first, notice the eyes as the pretty lady walks by:

Everyone is being very respectful of this workout-ready lady as she walks by. Everyone except for Jessie. Look at her stare at that woman's chest as if she were sizing her up as some piece of meat! Does this ogling not look like the very thing she condemns chauvinistic man-pigs for doing, like her boyfriend Slater? (Which, by the way, doesn't seem to be a relationship for this episode.) Eyes up, Jessie, and respect that scantily-clad woman as you preach she should be in every other episode of SBTB. I'll go one further: respect her as much as everyone else, including the boys, is doing right now.

Kelly! Come on! I just spouted about how noble you were in not checking out that workout chick! Well, at least the boys (and Lisa) could keep their eyes up.

But what is it that Kelly just had to check out? It couldn't have been this, could it?

Yeah. That's probably it. Two questions spring to mind. 1) Why is this okay to show in a children's program? 2) How did we go from Lisa's aerobics outfit (seen here) to this:

I have never exercised in a thong but I can't imagine that it would be comfortable. Not in the slightest.

So who is this lady that tantalizes females with her bawdry workout ensemble?

Barbra Brighton

This is Barbra Brighton - playing Leslie - and she did practically nothing else beyond SBTB. A stint on the "Harry and the Hendersons" television show (it was a television show?) and "They Came from Outer Space," mixed with one movie appearance - "The Forbidden Dance" - and her career was over. She was about as legit an actor as Zack was as the Aerobics Club President. Boo yah!

But what about the lucky man to marry this young dame?

George McDaniel

This is George McDaniel, Jessie's onscreen father. He is older, yet is going to marry that younger lady. Good for him. He's had a hand in plenty of productions: "Three's Company," "Knighrider," "This is Spinal Tap," "The A-Team," and other such notable old shows. Work has been a bit more scarce in recent years, though he did have three appearances on three different "Law and Order" shows. Kudos!

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.

SBTB 03.17 - S.A.T.s

James is back! As before, he plays his character with aplomb. Gusto. Vigor. Yes, Mark Blankfield, you certainly did well. But, I have highlighted you before so I won't do it again. (Though you will show up in this post later.)

Besides James, we had a Mrs. Helen Billingham as a guest on the show.

Susan Osborne

Susan Osborne plays this austere woman, and it is the only role she seems to have ever landed. She did, however, produce some documentaries from inside different factions: the State Department (movie), the Detroit Gang Squad (TV), and polygamy in Bountiful, Utah (TV). Hooray, lady.

But what is she looking at so intently? It must be S.A.T.s, since that is what this episode was about. Check out Kelly's bubble sheet.

The picture is grainy, but you can see by my superimposed graphic that Kelly had only filled in three answers. This makes sense, as her character admits as much. Take note of the page, though. You see all that space up top for personal information? Now check out Lisa's answer sheet from this exact moment in the test:

Uh, that's the back of the sheet. And Lisa already has an entire row filled in. We have a few options here: 1) Lisa is a genius, 2) Lisa is guessing so she can go shopping sooner, 3) Kelly is a dumb, dumb brick. I refuse to believe that sweet Kelly Kapowski could be dumb as a brick, so the answer must be one of the first two options...

Let's turn our attention to hot ladies.

What? Molly the Troll, I didn't mean you!

Christine Taylor

That's better. This is Christine Taylor, the gal who plays Heather Brooks. (I'm bummed that no other still could do her justice.) Do I even need to explain who she is? Alright. She has been in "Dodgeball," "Arrested Development," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," and "Seinfeld." She is married to Ben Stiller, which gets a big demerit in my book. Regardless, she is nice to look at.

Let's get back to James. The scene with him in Mr. Belding's office is a huge curiosity. His beard is clearly falling off; why didn't they just redo the scene?

As you can see from the yellow line, his beard was super loose. So much so, that it falls off in front of Zack. This causes Zack to break character.

And Zack breaks hard. He goes from a super serious student to an obviously tickled student, which would have been incredibly out of character in the moment. So why not reshoot the scene? Well, the producers must have looked at this and deemed it far too funny to cut. Despite Zack's breaking, it actually adds to the absurdity of James's beard. I agree with the inclusion, even if it "taints" the "pristine image" of SBTB.

Feel free to share what stood out to you in the comments below.